A Treatise Concerning the Communicable Disease Bandus Geekoramus
There is a highly-contagious disease spreading rapidly through our community. It infests mostly those of the large case-carrying variety, particularly the youth in our schools. The symptoms include: making loud, honking sounds, marching around in ninety-degree weather in long-sleeved, wool clothing, wearing red shirts with markings spelling out "Pep Band" on the front, and being found in a large, somewhat smelly room at the local high school. After observing the victims in their natural environment for an extended period of time, I have come to several conclusions:
1. While many sufferers find relief after the end of the period of the life cycle called "High School," there are certain extreme cases that have more difficulties. Each year, there are extreme cases that have more difficulties. Each year, there are several documented cases of victims returning to the "Band Room" with all of their younger friends. Usually, only extreme circumstances require our youth to return to their former cycle of "High School," it is not uncommon to see these young adults in the hallways around the "Band Room." In fact, an especially excessive case has been documented recently, that of a young female returning, not only momentarily, but to help teach and spread the disease!
2. Most of the victims seem to feel the primeval urge to return often to the area known as the "Band Room." It was rarely, if ever, that I found the "Band Room" absent of casualties during my research. I tried returning at the extremities of the clock, anywhere from 6:30 A.M. to 6:00 P.M., and still I found the astonishing sight of the sufferers lounging in various corners.
3. Many of the victims are not only aware of their affliction, but proud of it! Some haul around large, heavy cases from class to class. Others proudly display "Pep Band" and "Jazz Band" shirts, even when not required. The most extreme cases go around humming strange sounds and making curious motions with their fingers, as if they are...playing something.
In conclusion, I have decided that extreme measures must be taken. While it is probably impossible to cure most of the sufferers, we can still save the younger generations! One method would be to not require "Fine Arts" classes as a requirement for passing to the next stage of development. Another, preferable way would be to, instead of allowing the youth to choose to play "Woodwinds," "Brass," and "Percussion," instruments, require that they should pick from the "Bowed String Instruments," thus inhibiting the disease before it gets a foothold on the body. Finally, support groups and therapy should be provided for the past victims, so as to aid a complete recovery.
Note: This is a joke. I have many "Band Geeks" as friends, and respect and admire them, but they do make good targets. This is not in any way meant to be taken seriously or as an insult.
I'm amazed at the incoherency at the first of the piece. I can't believe I never noticed it before. Many thanks to MSKing for saving this for whatever reason and digging it out of her room and sending it to me not once but twice after I'd lost it. I'd also like to note that I ended up by marrying a band geek. Scary.
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